Simple Secrets for Making Your Partner Feel Loved

Judith A. Swack Ph.D. • January 9, 2024

Sally and Frank came to me with the complaint, “He/she doesn’t love me.” When I asked Sally what Frank could do to make her feel loved, she said, “He needs to tell me I’m beautiful.” Further exploration revealed that she needed to hear this once a day. Although we tested other adjectives like gorgeous, fantastic, pretty, cute, adorable, fabulous, wonderful, terrific…no other adjective gave her the feeling of being loved. Frank agreed to do this one simple thing. In contrast, Frank needed someone to pet his head (anywhere on his head) about once a week to feel loved. Sally agreed to do this.

In Frank and Sally’s case, differences in their internal definitions of the word “love” resulted not only in feelings of neglect but also caused several arguments. Sally and Frank were late for a party. Feeling stressed, Frank drove recklessly making Sally nervous. In order to calm him down, Sally said, “Don’t worry about the party; you look really handsome tonight.” This, of course, did nothing for Frank, who much would have preferred to have a little head scratching for reassurance as he drove. Frank, however, recognizing that Sally was upset, reached over and stroked her head…messing up Sally’s hair and leading to an argument.


Each of us assumes that everyone else’s reality is the same as our own, so we interact with others from our own personal frame of reference. In reality, we each have a preferred way of functioning and interpreting the world. When we learn to understand our partner’s unique perspective of the world, we can significantly improve our relationships through more meaningful communication.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) studies the structure of how humans think and experience the world. It is a powerful system for representing and influencing human behavior. NLP combines aspects of psychology (including Freudian, Jungian, and Gestalt), hypnosis, linguistics, and computer science. Developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970’s, popularized by Tony Robbins in the 1980’s, and added to by many brilliant practitioners, its techniques have been successfully applied to therapy, health, communication, education, business, sales, peak performance, and other fields.


NLP begins by teaching important communication skills, and describes how our beliefs, emotions, values, and sense of identity affect our behavior, either helping or interfering with success. We all experience the world through the five senses, and store that information in different parts of our brain. When we communicate our experience, we use visual (images), auditory (sounds), kinesthetic (touch and internal feelings), gustatory (tastes) and olfactory (smells) words. We typically assume that our internal representation and sense of reality is objectively real, and everyone else understands the world the way we do. Through developing NLP skills, we understand that everyone experiences reality differently, which gives us the tools to understand someone else’s world, communicate our world to others and add resources, skills, and strategies for achieving excellence in all areas of our lives.


Back to relationships…Janet came complaining about Paul, “He doesn’t love me, he just keeps giving me all this jewelry.” Janet displayed three nested rings of alternating diamond/ruby, diamond/emerald, and diamond/sapphire. When asked what Paul could do to make her feel loved, she replied, “He could tell me he loves me.” Further exploration revealed that she needed to hear this once a day. Paul agreed to do this. Not surprisingly, Janet was a therapist who made a living listening to other people. She preferred to process information auditorily. Paul was a chiropractor who made a living looking closely at people’s bodies. He preferred to process information visually, so gifting Janet with stunningly beautiful jewelry was a natural way for him to express his love.


In NLP, a person’s internal definition of a noun (concept) is called a complex equivalent and is unique to each individual. The best way to elicit someone’s complex equivalent is to ask, “Exactly what do you mean by _____?” Take the word “love” for example. What feels, looks, smells, sounds, and tastes like love is represented differently for everybody. Red roses and chocolate may not be it. In order to really understand and connect with your partner, you need to ask for his/her definition of love and other important concepts and values such as security, success, happiness, family, home, etc. It may surprise you how easily you can accommodate someone and make him/her happy once you know exactly what is meaningful to that person.


Joe and Cecilia have been married for 25 years and have a lovely, close, intimate relationship. Joe is British and Cecilia is American, so they had to translate cultural as well as individual differences. When Cecilia got excited about something, she gestured with her arms and spoke in a louder, higher pitched, more animated voice. Joe never seemed to get excited about anything. When Cecilia finally asked Joe to demonstrate excitement, he raised his eyebrows once. For their 4-month pregnancy checkup, Joe was invited to hear the baby’s first heartbeat. At the first pulsing sound, Cecilia burst into tears. Joe raised his eyebrows twice. Cecilia remarked to him afterwards that she recognized how extremely excited he was.


Lydia had been married for only a month when she realized she felt lonely even when her husband, Sam, was in the house. She finally figured out that she couldn’t reconnect with him (after being away at work all day) unless he physically touched her. Sam, on the other hand, only needed to see her to reconnect. A brief discussion resulted in a new ritual. As soon as they both came home, Sam and Lydia kissed, Sam patted Lydia’s behind, and both said, “How was your day?”


Marjorie reported that learning about NLP and communication “had made her a nicer person.” She explained that she used to be selfish and only thought about what others could do for her. Not surprisingly, she and her husband did not have a good relationship. When she realized that it could be easy to make someone happy, she asked her husband what would make him feel loved. He replied that he would appreciate it if she made him tea while he watched TV. Her teenage son complained that there was no food in the house. Her initial response was, “You obviously haven’t looked in the refrigerator, and you’re never around to have dinner with us, and I’m too busy to cook.” Then she realized that what he meant by food was home-cooked meals. On weekends, she began cooking enough to stock two shelves of the refrigerator. He started coming home for meals and tells her constantly how much he loves and appreciates her.

For satisfying and lasting relationships, ask your loved ones what you need to do, say, or show them to make them feel loved and happy. You might be surprised at the answer and at how easy it is to accommodate them. You’ll definitely find it rewarding.

Judith A. Swack, Ph.D. in Biochemistry/Immunology, is a master NLP practitioner and mind/body healer who has developed Healing from the Body Level UPTM  (HBLUTM), a rapid and revolutionary healing methodology that integrates biomedical science, psychology, applied kinesiology, hypnosis, NLP, spirituality and energy psychology techniques. Dr. Swack and her associates work with individual clients in person or by phone. For more information, call her Needham office at 781-444-6940.


RESOURCES:
Bandler, Richard. The Structure of Magic: A Book About Language and Therapy (Book 1). Science and Behavior Books, 1975.
Andreas, Steve and Connirae. Change Your Mind. Real People Press, 1987.
Dilts, Robert. Changing Belief Systems with NLP. Meta Publications, 1990.
O’Connor, Joseph and Seymour, John. Introducing Neuro-Linguistic Programming: Psychological Skills for Understanding and Influencing People. Thorsons Publishers; 2nd revised edition, 1993.
Charvet, Shelle Rose. Words That Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence. Kendall/Hunt Publishing Company; 2nd edition, 1997.


A vector graphic of a woman with 4 arms multi-tasking. Cooking, signing papers, and watering plants
By C. C. Life Coach June 24, 2025
Dear Judith, Of all the work we have done, of all the monumental healings and shifts you and your work has helped to facilitate in my life- this piece was the most hidden, the most perverse, the most subconscious- and was driving my life into oblivion. I could not live one more day enslaving myself to my family, being stuck in a loveless abusive marriage. I was exhausted and stuck begging G-d for a way out (any way out). Until you your work and my soul discovered that we needed to unblock my energy fields from using evil to seduce- by running a pathologically self-serving and self-absorbed seduction pattern. Here I was a slave to my family, doing everything, getting nothing- I was the last person self-serving. How did my soul and you even find this. At first I thought no… Until you pointed out that this is what Enneagram 4s do to get love. And it all clicked. This was the seduction. IF I enslave myself, I will get love- so it was all my agenda my mission- I was “doing everything for them” which was the illusion, the seduction I was under- but it was truly a manipulative pattern I ran to try to get love from everyone I could. Only to fail miserably- and to feel even worse. I felt powerless and stuck. Until you said those words…. And through your work- we prayed- and the seduction and illusion vanished. Poof just like that! I can’t believe this has all been me all this time. I WAS DESPERATE TO GET: Love, safety, approval, success & wealth & WORSHIP & WORLD DOMINATION What I learned was that I created a pattern of need. Everyone had to need me- I had to do it all- so people would love me. Because deep inside I doubted they could just love me for me. And that I truly don’t have to do anything for love. And neither does anyone… & that I just give it up and teach my family to be self-sufficient so they DONT NEED me and we can establish love for the sake of love. OR SCREW UP MY WHOLE FAMILY AND LIFE PERPETRATING EVIL BY BEING PATHOLOGICALLY SELFISH. Here are my learnings: I’m just another cog in the wheel and that’s ok. We all are working together. No one better or worse. There is no need to dominate just to do each of our missions. I was seduced into thinking I was so selfless and altruistic because I was working for what I thought “was everyone else’s good” but was really still what I thought- and my agenda I have been self-abusing all this time, putting myself last so I could get sympathy and love. I was acting like a victim and poor me to myself & failing because I got no sympathy gratitude or love… When we interviewed my husband - I sat still. It was the first time I could listen to him and learn. I was still - like air. Without an agenda. & It’s the first time I feel still. And my nervous system relaxed. The first time I’m not working to get something in every action. Today I put my agenda down. It feels so light and relaxing and freeing It’s all been one big undercover operation to get love shrouded in a mission to do for others so no one would ever find me out. That it was all about me. And it didn’t make sense until you said I was pathologically selfish and self-absorbed. Me? No!!!… oh my gosh yes…. And the shell around me shattered. I can relax and just be me for the first time in decades…. You and your work- Judith- I’m just in disbelief- after being in disbelief many times- you’ve changed my life. Thank you Thank you Thank you. You’re a true genius Judith. I can never thank you enough. You are my teacher my mentor and I’m so grateful to have been given you to guide me in this life. I only hope to help your work reach millions. All the Best! C. C. Life Coach
By Copyright 2025 Judith A. Swack, Ph.D. January 31, 2025
James ’s brother, Samuel , sustained severe traumatic brain injury from a car accident. He spent the year going to many doctors for treatment, but could barely function. Samuel complained that not only did standard medical care not help him, but the doctors ignored and mistreated him. Whenever James suggested any complementary therapies, such as acupuncture, chiropractic, or HBLU, Samuel immediately came up with excuses as to why going for that kind of treatment was impossible. (Notice that he didn’t claim that that kind of treatment wouldn’t work. He just made it impossible to get there.) James said, “Even though I feel really guilty about it, I’ve stopped trying to help him because he makes everything impossible.” Monica ’s 25-year-old son, Ed , suffers from such severe debilitating Crohn’s disease that he couldn’t finish high school, can’t work, can’t leave the house, and can barely leave his room. Traditional medical care and medication is not helping. Monica and her husband bought him a dog thinking that would cheer him up, but Ed does not interact with it. Monica has suggested and made appointments for many complementary therapies such as nutrition, naturopathy, family therapy, and HBLU, but Ed refuses to go to these appointments. Monica experiences guilt and deep sorrow that her son is so ill, and she and her husband haven’t been able to help him. Valerie ’s partner, Nancy , is 200 pounds overweight, suffers from ADD and severe anxiety, and hates her job. Nancy had been on medication for the ADD and anxiety, but when her psychiatrist retired, never attempted to find another provider and let her medication lapse. When Valerie suggested that Nancy find new doctors and get back on medication to help her mental function and treatment for overweight, Nancy refused to make any follow-up phone calls or emails. Although they had gotten engaged in the Spring, by Fall, Valerie had asked for the ring back. Valerie said, “I don’t think I can live with her if she refuses to take care of herself and won’t let me help her.” What do James, Monica, and Valerie all have in common? They feel deep sorrow, guilt, and frustration that they can’t help someone they care about deeply. But the people who are suffering are also trapped in a pattern that continues to cause them suffering. Both the impotent helpers and the perpetual sufferers are trapped in a seducer strategy called, “I’m impossible.” What is a Seduction Pattern? Seduction patterns are some of the most energy draining, perverse, and frustrating patterns a person can experience. People with seduction patterns get tricked into doing things they don’t want to do. They are unable to leave bad relationships, jobs, family, or other upsetting situations.
A woman is sitting on a couch talking to a psychologist.
By S.C. LICSW November 20, 2024
It’s that time again, where I get to shout out another amazing woman. Dr. Judith Swack has changed my life! In fact she has changed our family’s life. I found her in summer of 2023 . There was so much unhealed shit and my body was paying for it. I am 46 years old, and I have been in therapy on and off since I was 13. I’ve had some lovely therapists. I’m also a therapist myself. And I can honestly, wholeheartedly say, NOTHING has ever helped with lasting changes as much as Judith. She’s one of the smartest women I’ve ever met - she’s a neuroscientist + an energy healer. And the work she does - what we do in session - cannot even really explain it. It’s weird as f*ck. And it works!! In the past little over a year, I have managed to change a couple of behaviors I have not been able to change in 20 years. no exaggeration, and not for lack of trying. One of my 11 year old sons was paralyzed by fear of spiders - had a phobia, happened to be with me one day when I had an appointment and was going to wait in the waiting room, she said he could come in even though she doesn’t work with kids. I kid you not, she fixed that sh*t. In one session. He still doesn’t like spiders, but he isn’t frozen in fear anymore - he can get a tissue and pick it up and move on. This is unbelievable. And remember last week when I Saturday spotlighted my financial coach and how my husband’s feeling lonely in that part of our marriage is now getting resolved? Well, before I reached out to my financial coach to begin with, my husband and I had a joint session with Dr. Swack, where she helped heal a piece of our relationship which we’ve been stuck, going in circles for years! That clearing gave me the energy and thought to reach out for financial coaching to begin with… And if you need any convincing that this is the person for healing from trauma, I invite you to reach out and speak with my husband himself…. I % believe in all this energy healing etc, but he is a very logical, rational, no bullshit guy. He doesn’t do therapy. Talk therapy never worked for him, and he thinks it’s a complete waste. And I couldn’t explain this to him - how this is different or what it is. Nor did I try. I didn’t even ever suggest he should go… But when he saw our son get cured of the arachnophobia, and our son is very similar to him, no bullshit, rational, logical, and he said it worked, and we saw it worked he decided to try it… He decided to give it sessions… I think to prove to both of us it was all bullshit. He came home from the first session livid. But decided he would go back. He also came back from the second session angry, and told me all about how he yelled at Dr. Swack and told her it was bullshit… AND how she didn’t give a f*ck what he thought …”it doesn’t matter if you believe it or think it’s bullshit, I’m not talking to your rational mind, I’m talking to your subconscious” she’s told him numerous times… And suffice to say, he’s been about 9x now, and he too, is operating fundamentally differently. Our marriage is operating fundamentally differently. Traumas and patterns we have both carried and acted upon for years seem to be being dissolved. It’s really wild. If you are seeking a trauma healer or healing for anything, I can’t recommend Dr. Swack higher. I once asked Dr. Swack how to explain what she does to people, and she said “tell them I work with your subconscious”. I don’t think that really explains it fully… or maybe it does… either way it’s amazing. S.C. LICSW
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