The Relationship Readiness Stages

The Relationship Readiness Stages

Adventuring

This stage usually runs from the teen years to the early 20’s. In this stage the developmental task is to date many different types of people, have a lot of fun, and learn how to communicate with another human being.  In this stage people learn what they like and dislike and what works and doesn’t work for them in a relationship. People select people to date based on “are they sexy, fun, and interesting”.

Fine for Now

This stage usually runs from college through the mid-twenties.  In this stage the developmental task is to finish school or job training, and start a job or career where you can make enough money to support yourself, hopefully doing something fulfilling. At this stage, people are looking for one person who can be their regular girlfriend or boyfriend, who they talk to and date on a regular basis as they support each other to find themselves and grow into adulthood.  People may even move in and live together.  This stage typically lasts 1-7 years. People select people for this relationship based on “do we enjoy each other’s company and feel supported and understood by them”.

Ready for Marriage

People usually transition into this stage when they are over 25 years old and have gotten their second job.  The second job gives them the confidence that they are full-fledged adults who can financially support themselves and take care of their own bodies, i.e., provide food, shelter, transportation and maintain their health.  At this stage, most people have established themselves in their career and have some idea what their soul mission is. Then they ask themselves, “what’s next?” 

What’s next is to start a family and become a contributing member of society.  In this stage they look for a partner who would make a good parent, who is also a self-sufficient adult, and who works well collaboratively as a team.  They look for someone to support them to navigate the vicissitudes of life, dependably be there, have fun together, enjoy each other’s company, and grow old with. People at this stage think in terms of “we” and make decisions together in terms of what’s best for the couple or the family as opposed to just thinking of what’s best for me.

How do you know your Relationship Readiness Stage?

I recommend that you muscle test and ask your deepest wisdom what your relationship readiness stage is.  Many people are surprised to find out it’s not what they thought.

How do you know someone else’s Relationship Readiness Stage?

I recommend you ask them verbally on the fourth date, “What are you looking for in a relationship?”

If they say, “I’m just looking to have some fun,” they are in the Adventuring stage.  If they say, “I’m looking for a steady girlfriend/boyfriend, but I’m not interested in getting married,” they are in the Fine for Now stage.  If they say, “I’m looking for a serious committed long-term relationship” or “I’d like to find someone to marry/settle down with and have a family,” they are in the Ready for Marriage stage.

Many women in the Ready for Marriage stage have remarked that they are afraid to list on a dating app or tell their date that they want to get married for fear of scaring them off.  Know that if that happens it means the other person is not in the ready for marriage stage. Move on to find someone else who is.  Typically, when one person says they are looking to get married and the other person is in the ready for marriage stage, he/she says, “Me, too.”

What if I’m way over 25 years old, haven’t transitioned into the ready for marriage stage, but would like to get married?

As so often happens in life, you are running unconscious self-sabotage patterns that are interfering with your success in this area of your life.  Trauma, dysfunctional family system patterns, and cultural brainwashing are the usual culprits.  Fortunately, these can be cleared in just a few sessions and you will naturally transition into the ready for marriage stage. Then it will be easy for you to find a like-minded partner.

In Summary:

Know your relationship readiness stage so you can create a relationship with someone at the same stage. That way you will both understand what to expect and create a relationship that you both enjoy. 

If you or anyone you know would like to get happily married or improve your relationships, HBLU methodology can help you. If you would like to learn more or schedule an appointment, please call 781-444-6940, email [email protected], or go to www.hblu.org.

Blessings, Judith