Don't Say Yes When You Mean No; You'll Only Hurt Yourself and Others

Judith A. Swack Ph.D. • November 29, 2023

Part I: Seduction, Part II: Phobias

Part I Seduction
After missing another morning staff meeting, Rebecca’s boss questioned her commitment to her job. Rebecca explained that she had to take her girls to school while her husband was out of town. In reality, Rebecca was ‘hysterically overbusy’, juggling a family, a job, and Girl Scout leadership.


Overcommitted, her life out of balance, Rebecca came to me sick and on the verge of burn out because she said ‘yes’ to everyone who asked for help. In fact, she drove 1 ½ hours out of her way every week to pick up and drop off her daughter’s former best friend from preschool who wanted to be in her troop.


We’ve all said ‘yes’ when we meant ‘no’ out of politeness or to reciprocate a kindness. That’s being nice and it’s harmless. Over the years I have discovered two main unconscious reasons why people say ‘yes’ when they really mean ‘no’: 1) They are desperate for something or 2) They are afraid or ashamed to say ‘no’. In this section, I address more serious situations where people override their desire to say no out of unconscious desperation. This caused them to put other people’s needs before their own and prevented them from setting limits.


Desperation Can Lead to Seduction

Sometime in childhood, you experienced a traumatic event that caused a part of you to feel dead or empty. The dead part is desperate to come back to life and believes the only way to do this is to get the critical elements (also called gifts or promised benefits) it needs from somebody outside of you.


In a seduction pattern, the dead part either:


  1. allows itself to be seduced by accepting gifts or the promise of gifts from others and pays for it by allowing the other person to drain you of positive qualities like energy, joy, and compassion (seducee pattern), or
  2. seduces others into giving it the critical elements by bribing, threatening, or doing other manipulative behaviors (seducer strategy).


In effect, the promise from each side is, "I’ll bring you to life."


Seduction patterns are energy draining, perverse, and frustrating. People get tricked into doing things they don’t want to do. They are unable to leave bad relationships, jobs, family, or other upsetting situations. Seduction always backfires because no one outside of you can bring you to life. The most that anyone gets is a small amount of what the dead part needs, and it is insufficient, perverted and unsatisfying.


The most common seducer strategy that prevents people from saying ‘no’ (and the one that caused Rebecca’s problem) is, “I sacrifice myself to please others in order to get love, appreciation, acceptance, etc.


The only way to get free of a seduction is to give back or refuse to take the gifts that you are tempted by, but the dead part can’t let go for fear that if it gives up what little it is getting it will go back to being completely dead. To clear seduction, we use a prayer intervention in which you:


  1. Renounce the gifts you’re being promised (while feeling desperate not to),
  2. Ask God (a source that can actually deliver) to free you from the seduction, heal the dead part, and provide what you need.


The intervention works instantly regardless of attitudes toward or belief in God.


A Simple Intervention to Clear Seducer Strategies.


Determine how and what you are trying to get by seducing. While feeling desperate, say:


"I renounce this strategy of _____ (ex. sacrificing myself to please others) in order to get _____ (ex. love, appreciation, acceptance) and I pray God to free me from everyone I do this with and all parts of myself. And I pray God to free me from this seduction pattern. And I pray God to free me from this whole pattern and everything that made me susceptible to it. And I pray God to provide me with whatever else I need in these areas.”


Notice how you feel now that you are no longer desperate. Know that you can get what you need in a straightforward way.


Rebecca now shows up for staff meetings, her husband watches the kids more when he’s home, and her daughter’s preschool friend is in a Girl Scout troop close to home. Now that you’re clear of this pattern notice what happens the next time you need to say ‘no’?.


Part 2: Phobias
Shirley got a puppy. Shirley didn’t want a puppy. Shirley’s friend Jean convinced her that as a single woman, Shirley needed companionship. Jean’s dog just had a litter of puppies and she knew that Shirley would give one a good home. Shirley resisted the idea until Jean promised to take the puppy back if things didn’t work out. Shirley agreed to try it.


Shirley didn’t want the puppy. It required too much attention and care to fit into her busy life. After a month Shirley asked Jean to take back the puppy. Unfortunately, Shirley couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt. The puppy was very sweet and had bonded with her. Shirley felt bad about abandoning the puppy and traumatizing it. She felt worried about disappointing and inconveniencing Jean. She regretted that she hadn’t insisted on ‘no’ in the first place.


We’ve all said ‘yes’ when we meant ‘no’ out of politeness or to reciprocate a kindness. That’s being nice and it’s harmless. In this section, I address more serious situations where people were afraid or ashamed to say no, so they overrode their desire to say ‘no’ and it led to problems later. Examples include buying something you didn’t want, taking the wrong job, going too far on the first date, and even agreeing to marry the wrong person.


Fear and Shame Can Come from Phobic Reactions.

A phobia is an exaggerated, irrational emotional (and physical) reaction that is out of proportion with what is happening in reality. Phobias occur when a person experiences a traumatic shock that triggers the fight or flight reflex. Anything that was in the environment at that time can later trigger the original memory resulting in a phobic reaction, even when there is no danger in the present.


Phobias come in two flavors, fear and shame. In a fear phobia, the unconscious mind goes instantly to the worst case scenario of death, eternal torment, or rejection.In a shame phobia the unconscious mind concludes that there is something horribly and fundamentally wrong with her that she is ashamed to admit. The natural reaction to a phobia is to try to avoid what triggers you.


People who have phobias of saying ‘no’ try to avoid saying ‘no’ by saying ‘yes’.


Examples of phobias of saying ‘no’ include:

  • I’m afraid to say ‘no’ because someone will get angry and punish, kill, or reject me.
  • I’m ashamed to say ‘no’ because I’ll hurt someone proving that I’m selfish, cruel, bad, cold-hearted, etc.


A Simple Technique for Clearing Phobias

In Healing from the Body Level UpTM™ (HBLU™) we often use the Unwinding Frontal/ Occipital Holding technique to clear phobias and other negative emotional reactions. This technique, from the field of Applied Kinesiology, connects your rational mind with your emotional self to release the phobia from mind and body.


Unwinding Frontal/Occipital Holding: While thinking about and feeling the phobic reaction, place one hand lightly on your forehead (the ‘Oy Vey’ gesture) and the other hand lightly on the back of your head. Allow your head to move however it wants to and it will stop automatically. In about 3 minutes the phobia is gone. Another technique we commonly use is the Natural Bio-Destressing technique from the field of Energy Psychology. This technique works by stimulating the calming reflex to neutralize the fight or flight reactions.

 

After we cleared Shirley’s phobias of saying no, she remarked that she wouldn’t have stayed with her last three boyfriends as long as she did had she been able to say ‘no’ sooner. Use these techniques and notice for yourself what happens the next time you need to say ‘no’.


What is HBLU™ ?
HBLU™is an innovative, rapid, and powerful new mind/body/spirit healing methodology developed by Judith A. Swack, Ph.D., a Biochemist/Immunologist, Master NLP Practitioner, Mind/Body Healer, and leader in the field of Energy Psychology. HBLU™ integrates biomedical science, psychology, hypnosis, Neuro Linguistic Programming, applied kinesiology, and other energy psychology techniques with original research on the structure of complex damage patterns. HBLU™ is so effective because:


  1. The client’s deepest wisdom guides the healing,
  2. It has menus of well characterized patterns and effective healing techniques,
  3. It clears blocks to success at the conscious, unconscious, body, and soul levels.


HBLU ™ helps people rapidly achieve the results they want to live full, happy, healthy, and satisfying lives. Maybe it can help you, too. Dr. Swack and her associates work with people in person or by phone. Healing from the Body Level Up™, Inc. is located in Needham, MA. Call 781-444-6940 to book an appointment, order a free information package, and order audio and videotapes.


Boston Women’s Journal February/March and April/May 2007


By Copyright 2025 Judith A. Swack, Ph.D. January 31, 2025
James ’s brother, Samuel , sustained severe traumatic brain injury from a car accident. He spent the year going to many doctors for treatment, but could barely function. Samuel complained that not only did standard medical care not help him, but the doctors ignored and mistreated him. Whenever James suggested any complementary therapies, such as acupuncture, chiropractic, or HBLU, Samuel immediately came up with excuses as to why going for that kind of treatment was impossible. (Notice that he didn’t claim that that kind of treatment wouldn’t work. He just made it impossible to get there.) James said, “Even though I feel really guilty about it, I’ve stopped trying to help him because he makes everything impossible.” Monica ’s 25-year-old son, Ed , suffers from such severe debilitating Crohn’s disease that he couldn’t finish high school, can’t work, can’t leave the house, and can barely leave his room. Traditional medical care and medication is not helping. Monica and her husband bought him a dog thinking that would cheer him up, but Ed does not interact with it. Monica has suggested and made appointments for many complementary therapies such as nutrition, naturopathy, family therapy, and HBLU, but Ed refuses to go to these appointments. Monica experiences guilt and deep sorrow that her son is so ill, and she and her husband haven’t been able to help him. Valerie ’s partner, Nancy , is 200 pounds overweight, suffers from ADD and severe anxiety, and hates her job. Nancy had been on medication for the ADD and anxiety, but when her psychiatrist retired, never attempted to find another provider and let her medication lapse. When Valerie suggested that Nancy find new doctors and get back on medication to help her mental function and treatment for overweight, Nancy refused to make any follow-up phone calls or emails. Although they had gotten engaged in the Spring, by Fall, Valerie had asked for the ring back. Valerie said, “I don’t think I can live with her if she refuses to take care of herself and won’t let me help her.” What do James, Monica, and Valerie all have in common? They feel deep sorrow, guilt, and frustration that they can’t help someone they care about deeply. But the people who are suffering are also trapped in a pattern that continues to cause them suffering. Both the impotent helpers and the perpetual sufferers are trapped in a seducer strategy called, “I’m impossible.” What is a Seduction Pattern? Seduction patterns are some of the most energy draining, perverse, and frustrating patterns a person can experience. People with seduction patterns get tricked into doing things they don’t want to do. They are unable to leave bad relationships, jobs, family, or other upsetting situations.
A woman is sitting on a couch talking to a psychologist.
By S.C. LICSW November 20, 2024
It’s that time again, where I get to shout out another amazing woman. Dr. Judith Swack has changed my life! In fact she has changed our family’s life. I found her in summer of 2023 . There was so much unhealed shit and my body was paying for it. I am 46 years old, and I have been in therapy on and off since I was 13. I’ve had some lovely therapists. I’m also a therapist myself. And I can honestly, wholeheartedly say, NOTHING has ever helped with lasting changes as much as Judith. She’s one of the smartest women I’ve ever met - she’s a neuroscientist + an energy healer. And the work she does - what we do in session - cannot even really explain it. It’s weird as f*ck. And it works!! In the past little over a year, I have managed to change a couple of behaviors I have not been able to change in 20 years. no exaggeration, and not for lack of trying. One of my 11 year old sons was paralyzed by fear of spiders - had a phobia, happened to be with me one day when I had an appointment and was going to wait in the waiting room, she said he could come in even though she doesn’t work with kids. I kid you not, she fixed that sh*t. In one session. He still doesn’t like spiders, but he isn’t frozen in fear anymore - he can get a tissue and pick it up and move on. This is unbelievable. And remember last week when I Saturday spotlighted my financial coach and how my husband’s feeling lonely in that part of our marriage is now getting resolved? Well, before I reached out to my financial coach to begin with, my husband and I had a joint session with Dr. Swack, where she helped heal a piece of our relationship which we’ve been stuck, going in circles for years! That clearing gave me the energy and thought to reach out for financial coaching to begin with… And if you need any convincing that this is the person for healing from trauma, I invite you to reach out and speak with my husband himself…. I % believe in all this energy healing etc, but he is a very logical, rational, no bullshit guy. He doesn’t do therapy. Talk therapy never worked for him, and he thinks it’s a complete waste. And I couldn’t explain this to him - how this is different or what it is. Nor did I try. I didn’t even ever suggest he should go… But when he saw our son get cured of the arachnophobia, and our son is very similar to him, no bullshit, rational, logical, and he said it worked, and we saw it worked he decided to try it… He decided to give it sessions… I think to prove to both of us it was all bullshit. He came home from the first session livid. But decided he would go back. He also came back from the second session angry, and told me all about how he yelled at Dr. Swack and told her it was bullshit… AND how she didn’t give a f*ck what he thought …”it doesn’t matter if you believe it or think it’s bullshit, I’m not talking to your rational mind, I’m talking to your subconscious” she’s told him numerous times… And suffice to say, he’s been about 9x now, and he too, is operating fundamentally differently. Our marriage is operating fundamentally differently. Traumas and patterns we have both carried and acted upon for years seem to be being dissolved. It’s really wild. If you are seeking a trauma healer or healing for anything, I can’t recommend Dr. Swack higher. I once asked Dr. Swack how to explain what she does to people, and she said “tell them I work with your subconscious”. I don’t think that really explains it fully… or maybe it does… either way it’s amazing. S.C. LICSW
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